Tuesday, December 28, 2010

This is How I Convince my Friends to Do Things

An actual conversation that I had with Sassafras Jones via email:

From: Sassafras Jones <(*CONFIDENTIAL*)>
Subject: Mass on Sunday
To: "The Amazing Miss Fantastic" amazingmissfantastic@gmail.com
Date: Friday, December 24, 2010, 4:38 PM

I rewrote the lyrics to "How Beautiful" to fit the theme of the Holy Family since I realized we didn't have any songs specifically related to the feast of the Holy Family.  It's posted on noteflight under "How Beautiful (Holy Family.)"  Tell me if you like it, or if you think I should change some lyrics.  I'm not quite finished, there's still another verse, but tell me if you like it so far.  We would probably do it instead of Christmas Lullaby, or as a communion meditation.

Let me know!


-Sassafras Jones

On Saturday, December 25, 2010, at 9:06 PM, The Amazing Miss Fantastic < amazingmissfantastic@gmail.com > wrote:

Wow, this is late.  I like the lyrics.  I say we do it as a communion meditation because it would be freaking sweet.  All the people going to receive Jesus and we're just up there being epic and praisin' God with our mad music skills.  Totes.  Yeah...so that's what I had to say.

~The Amazing Miss Fantastic~

On Monday, 12/27/10, Sassafras Jones <(*CONFIDENTIAL*)> wrote:   
From: Sassafras Jones <(*CONFIDENTIAL*)>
Subject: Re: Mass on Sunday
To: The Amazing Miss Fantastic < amazingmissfantastic@gmail.com >
Date: Monday, December 27, 2010, 12:09 PM
Sorry...I didn't get this until today, and I was grumpy at mass yesterday...sorry about that. :(

So I guess I'll talk to (*Super-cool music director*) about next week, I am utterly confused.  If she put us on for a morning mass, I think I'm out.  If it's a 4:30 mass, we'll do that song, and praise God with our mad music skills.  Totes my goats. :)

AND! If it is a 4:30 mass next week, I will be freaking PREPARED this time. No more long-right-before-mass preludes. And my music will be out, not caught in other songs. AND THEN- we will be awesome. And Fr. Priest will learn how to sing fast, and I will be happy. (Just kidding, I don't see that happening any time soon) :)

But anyhoo...we should have music practice this week-when are you free?

On Monday, December 27, 2010 at 12:35 PM, The Amazing Miss Fantastic < amazingmissfantastic@gmail.com > wrote:
I'm free all week, pretty much.  But we still have to do the mass, even if it is a morning mass because we are going to praise the Lord Jesus with song in thanksgiving for all of the wonderful gifts He has given us.  So there, now you have to.  FOR JESUS.  So, yeah.

~The Amazing Miss Fantastic~ ___________________________________________

 From: Sassafras Jones <(*CONFIDENTIAL*)>
Subject: Re: Mass on Sunday
To: The Amazing Miss Fantastic < amazingmissfantastic@gmail.com >
Date: Monday, December 27, 2010, 3:25 PM
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I don't want tooooooooooooooooooooo...I'll be so tired.  You can sing when you're tired, but me playing the piano is catastrophic.  You know I like playing for mass, but I don't think that one is happening.  (*Super-cool music director*)'s response made no sense at all, so I emailed her back...I'll let you know
On Mon, Dec 27, 2010 at 5:57 PM, The Amazing Miss Fantastic
 < amazingmissfantastic@gmail.com >  wrote:

For your information, missy, I cannot sing when I am tired. My throat is all clogged with phlegm and nastiness, so I always get up at least two hours early for any mass I have to sing at.  FOR JESUS.  Remember: "Oh, I died for you and he kicked a ball into a net..." only instead of kicking a ball into a net, we are supposed to glorify Jesus, so it'd be more like "Oh, I died for you and you can't get up a little early..." so it's sort of worse.

~The Amazing Miss Fantastic~

 From: Sassafras Jones <(*CONFIDENTIAL*)>
Subject: Re: Mass on Sunday
To: The Amazing Miss Fantastic < amazingmissfantastic@gmail.com >
Date: Monday, December 27, 2010, 7:51 PM

FINE!!! Point taken. Gosh. :) But it's okay anyway! (*Super-cool music director*) said
we can do the 4:30 mass, I asked her if she wanted to sing or play with us and she'll let us know (Since she had to give up the mass) I was on the verge of giving in for the early mass though. You are way too persuasive.

If she hadn't given in or found a solution, I would have either resorted to more guilt trips, or confronted her with the fact that she was not living up to her Winner status.

**Also:  When it says "Remember: 'Oh, I died for you and he kicked a ball into a net...'" I'm referencing a youth conference that we both went to this past summer.  Ah, memories.


I Left my Blogging Notebook in my Locker and now I Can't Remember All the Odd Things I've Thought Were Funny

It's really a predicament.

I actually had a few really good things, like a largely one-sided conversation I had with the Stellar Miss Moon in my head, and an awesome title that would go with a post I could probably never write (because I don't know anything about robots,) but that's all fallen to crap because I was irresponsible and left my blogging notebook in my locker over break.  All I can really tell you is that I have been introduced to the Wii and Wii boxing and that I should never ever ever ever ever ever play Wii boxing when Miss Sassafras Jones is around because I have a tendency to swear, and Miss Sassafras isn't particularly fond of curse words.

Oooh!  But here's something that's actually maybe sorta kind of funny that I just remembered from a while ago, it's a conversation between me and a couple of my friends (Roughly paraphrased):

Lord Chef, the Great and Terrible: The school could actually make some money if they set the band room on fire.  Those instruments probably have a lot of insurance on them.
Me: No.  No one is setting the band room on fire.  I will not allow it.
Lord Chef, the Great and Terrible: They could probably make enough money off of it to buy new instruments for everybody.  You'd get a new shiny!
Me:  I don't care.  Nobody is setting the band room on fire.
Lord Chef, the Great and Terrible:  Or, they could put a bunch of brass wiring where the instruments would be, then they could keep the old instruments and buy new instruments.
Me:  I'm pretty sure that's illegal.  And I don't care.  No one touches the band room.
The Professor:  I'll show you.  I'm going to go touch the band room and no one is going to stop me!
Me:  Okay?
The Professor: *leaves*
---Time Elapses---
The Professor: *returns*
The Professor:  There, I touched the band room door.  What do you have to say about that?
Me:  A pox on you.


And that was an actual conversation that I had with my friends.  I'm not quite sure on how we got on the topic of arson, but I know that just prior to that we had been discussing the worst (or would they be the best?) rooms to set on fire in the school (Chemistry lab, shop room, band room.  Why the band room?  Because it is filled with highly flammable valve oils and music, that's why.)

This is Sort of Counter-Productive

For quite some time now, I have been trying very hard to not act like or become a self-centered witch.  I was working really hard at it, and then I started this blog.

It's kind of counter-productive.

If I really wanted to be humble and all that, I wouldn't have started the darned thing, because, honestly?  A blog is the biggest ego-inflater ever.  Honestly, it's like I'm trying to become self-absorbed.

I guess it's not that bad, though, because I kind of feel like I'm just talking to myself, which I do anyway...a lot.  The blog is also kind of like my imaginary friend...

I should stop talking.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

So, if I'm Dead by Monday, You Know it was Zombies

So, I was driving to my mom's apartment last night at two in the morning.  Actually, I was being driven, but that is beside the point.  So, I'm riding in a car at two in the morning on Christmas Eve (actually, technically, it was Christmas) through a normally busy city-town thing.

And there was no one around.

Seriously, there were no other cars or even people outside.  There were no lights on.  It was seriously eerie.  Also, we were listening to Christmas music.  It was the perfect setting for a zombie apocalypse, because, seriously, if I was going to make a movie about the zombie apocalypse, I would make it all creepy and abandoned, and I would totally have "Jingle Bell Rock" playing on the radio, just because it would add a nice freaky icing to the spooky cake.

So, at this point, I'm pretty much convinced that zombies are waiting inside every house, and I was feeling a little uneasy.  And, to make it worse, my mom lives across the street from a cemetery.  A freaking cemetery, y'all.  So, yeah, I'm probably going to be dead by Monday, and, if I am, you know that it was zombies.  So start preparing for the zombie apocalypse, because it is about to go down. 

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A Hand Guide for Fruit-Flavored-Snack-Eating

I had some fruit snacks today, and I got to thinking how I always seem to eat them in a certain order...so I thought I'd share this with you, even if it isn't interesting or particularly funny (or funny at all).  Here it goes.

Generally, it goes like this:  I eat the orange ones first, because I happen to hate orange-flavored things.  If there is green, and I know that it is lime-flavored, I will eat it second.  Next, I eat the yellow ones, because I'm actually somewhat fond of lemon-flavored things.  If there is green and I know it isn't lime-flavored, then I will eat it here (if I'm unsure of the green's flavor, I usually eat it here).  Next comes purple.  Purple is always good, but it is not as good as anything that is red or pink, which come next.  Pink is almost always better than red, but I always eat pink before I eat red.  I'm not sure why.  Anyway, after I eat the red, if there is blue, this is where I eat it, because blue is almost always the best of the flavors, and you want to work your way up to the best.

There are some exceptions to this general outline, however, like Jolly Ranchers.  When it comes to Jolly Ranchers, pink actually sucks a lot, and so I usually eat that first.  Then I eat the green ones, because they also kind of suck.  Then it goes purple, red and blue.  Another exception is Gummi Bears.

When I eat Gummi Bears, I usually eat the yellow ones first because they are just awful.  Then I eat the orange ones because, even though I still don't like orange, anything is better than that awful yellow flavor.  Then I eat the white ones, because they're actually pretty good, but they're still not the best.  Then I eat the green ones because green Gummi Bears are freaking sweet.  Then, I eat the pink ones, and then the red.  Again, the pink is better than the red, but I still eat the pink first.

Another exception to this rule is M&Ms.  M&Ms are not fruit-flavored snacks, but they do have different colors.  M&Ms don't have different flavors, so it doesn't matter what order you eat them in, unless you are the King of Marching Band, who only eats them in rainbow order.

This post probably wasn't worth your time.  As a reward for making it to the end, I give you a virtual hug:  *hugs*

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Yeah, So I'm Pretty Much Scarred Forever

Normally, my cat hates me.  I'm fairly certain that one of its favorite pastimes is the plotting of my demise.  However, lately, Cat has been very friendly.  At first I was like "Yay!  Cat loves me!" but then Cat wouldn't leave me alone.  It started to get kind of annoying.  It would not stop rubbing up against my leg and stuff, so I walked away, but Cat followed me, so I moved farther away, but it still followed me.  Then the cat looked like it was trying to...uh...do its business on my foot.  I was all "Woah!  That is not cool, Cat!" and I kind of yelled at it a little and pulled my foot away violently, which must have startled it, because it went away for a little bit after that.  But then a couple minutes later, Cat tried to sit on my foot again, but it sort of backed up to it.  Then I'm like "What the heck, Cat?  What do you think you are doing?"

Then I realized where I had seen this kind of behavior before.

It was on Animal Planet.

On the special on this one pair of tigers at some zoo.

And I realized what was happening.

The fricking cat was in heat.

And it had been trying to molest my foot.

Yeah, so I'm pretty much scarred forever, now.  (Also, I'm avoiding Cat.)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Go Away, Susan

So, I've been watching the Chronicles of Narnia quite a bit lately, which is always a good thing because, hey, who doesn't love Narnia?  The same people who hate kittens and all that is good in this world, that's who.

Anyway, I love Narnia, but there is just one character I cannot stand:  Susan.  Susan irks me.  She irks me to my core.  I do not like her.  I wish that she would go away.  I can't really give a lot of reasons for my dislike of Susan without including some spoilers, so suffice it to say that she is just a smidge too Susan-y for my tastes.

Also, she is after my man.

Seriously, Susan?  You go and be all not productive and almost get Lucy eaten by a bear when you can't aim your stupid bow which you used for, like, twenty years the last time you were in Narnia, and then you try to make a move on Caspian?

Nuh-uh.  I am not okay with this.

I am going to take your stupid bow and drive you out of Narnia with it so that Caspian and I can live in peace, far away from your home-wrecking tendencies.  There is no use arguing, for I have made up my mind.  Seriously, you are the most wortless ruler of Narnia ever.  Queen Susan the Gentle?  Really?  Even Edmund got a cooler title than you did, and he almost ruined everything by siding with the White Witch.  That just goes to show how much you suck.

Goodbye, Susan.  I will miss you not at all.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Butterflies are One of my Greatest Fears

I am going to tell you a story from my childhood.  When I was in first grade, my teacher taught us about butterflies.  We studied them and we even raised some.  Then, as a grand finale to our butterfly study, we went to a butterfly house.

When we got there, my teacher told us that if we all stood very still, and were very quiet, that the butterflies would land on us.  I did not want this to happen.  I don't know when my butterfly phobia started, but it must have been at a very young age, because I was definitely terrified of those evil, demon winged beasts.  I didn't want them anywhere near me.  So, you can probably guess what I did.  I left very calmly and waited outside.

That was what should have happened.

This is what actually happened.

Upon hearing that being very still and quiet would get the butterflies to land on me, I began to run around and scream.  To my first-grader mind, this made complete sense.  Butterflies wanted me to stand still and be quiet so they could land on me, I did not want butterflies to land on me, I ran around and screamed.

It's basic logic.

Anyway, my screaming rampage continued until someone (I think it was my mom) had the presence of mind to pull me out of there and calm me down.

And that, my friends, is how my elementary school was forever banned from that butterfly house.  The end.