I almost died tonight.
Seriously. I did.
Okay, I didn't, but I could have.
Okay, so I was at the Drummer Boy's house with the King/Archbishop of Marching Band, and we had all been talking and having a jolly good time talking about farts and pooping and dead people and naked people and old people and shins and weird toenails and such, and we had been talking for a very long time. WELL, when you've been talking to someone on his porch for quite some time, you don't really notice that the sun has been sinking down in the sky, like he knows somethings about to go down, and that darkness has fallen. However, when you do notice that darkness has fallen, and you're a kid from town sitting on the porch in the country in the dead of night with freaky wind chimes that would provide a lovely soundtrack to any horror film, your imagination tends to get the better of you.
All of a sudden, the wind is an alien spaceship landing in the back yard, come to take you away for testing and probing and things (the Drummer Boy asked why it was in the back yard. It was in the back yard because we were looking at the front yard, and it sure as frick wasn't there, so it had to be in the back yard. Plus, aliens aren't going to just announce their arrival. They're rude like that.) Also, cats become poltergeists, and moths, which were pretty effing scary to start with, turn into scary discussions of giant moths, which causes me to threaten to put camel spiders in people's beds to shut them up.
I was fairly certain that there was a chupacabra in a big tree in the front yard, and maybe one outside my bedroom window at home. There was also, possibly, a big foot in the field across the road, in addition to the aliens in the back yard and the scary effing wind chimes (also, there was a motion light, which provided our only light on the porch, and it kept going off at random times, causing the King/Archbishop of Marching Band and me to freak out.)
I was poised to attack at any sign of danger.
Me: What was that?
The Drummer Boy: That was a cricket or some other bug. They make those noises when it's nighttime.
Me: I know what crickets sound like. Crickets make chirp chirp chirp noises. This was definitely a thunk
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: I'm scared.
The Drummer Boy: There are people in the house. They make thunking noises when they move.
Also, the wind chimes would not shut up. Seriously, it was like they wanted me to die.
Wind Chimes: *OMINOUS CHIME SOUND*
Me: *Points* Shut up. Shut the frick up. You shut up right now. DON'T POKE THE BEAR.
You probably don't find any of this entertaining, but I'm going to tell you about it anyway. Why? Because it's my blog AND I CAN.
Anyway, eventually it came time for the King/Archbishop of Marching Band and I to leave, but, at that point, we were so thoroughly freaked out that we couldn't even walk back to his van alone, so the Drummer Boy had to walk with us to put the lawn chairs that he and the King/Archbishop of Marching Band had been sitting on away, and then he just left us to walk the 20-some feet to the van. Alone. IN THE DARK. (Okay, it wasn't really the dark because there was a giant light on, but there were ominous shadows beneath the trees, so, yeah, IN THE DARK.)
And so the King/Archbishop of Marching Band and I began the perilous journey back to the van. I was pretty much hanging on his right arm because THAT'S HOW FREAKED OUT I WAS. He had his keys in his hand to serve as some sort of weapon. I had a cell phone. I don't know what it would have done, but it seemed like a better weapon than the chapstick or the rosary that I had in my pocket (unless we had been fighting demons. Then the rosary would be a better weapon. However, we were not fighting demons, we were fighting murderers, bigfoots, and chupacabras. Anyway, back to the story.)
We pretty much sprinted the last ten feet to the van. The King/Archbishop of Marching Band had a clean shot to the driver's seat, but I had to go all the way around the van IN THE SHADOWS to get to the passenger door.
It was way scary.
Anyway, we get into the van, and, for a second, we think we're safe.
Then it occurs to me.
We didn't check the van for serial killers before we got it.
I voiced this thought, then immediately regretted it.
"[curse word]" I said, " now they know we're here"
However, the King/Archbishop of Marching Band, being the boss that he is, risked his life to go check for serial killers.
I told him to make sure he checked the trunk.
Once we had determined that there were, in fact, no serial killers in the van. We proceeded to lock all of the doors.
"We have to make sure no one can get in," the King/Archbishop of Marching Band said.
"Let's just get out of here before something slams its body up against my door," I replied.
And so, we began our leaving of the house.
That's when s*** started gettin' real.
We made our way past the spooky empty tire swing, and then proceeded to spin out of the driveway.
We were driving really fast and swerving on a dirt road, which can't be safe, but we were being chased by CHUPACABRAS AND BIGFOOTS. Safe is relative.
We hit some chatter bumps and they made rumbly noises, which startled the King/Archbishop of Marching Band, causing him to swerve some more. I didn't care. I just wanted to get the heck out of Dodge, as I had screamed as soon as we had left the Drummer Boy's driveway.
There was a stop sign at the end of the road, but there was no one coming, and no cops around, so we may have not stopped completely but, hello again, chupacabras and bigfoots. We had more important things to worry about than pesky traffic laws.
When we got out onto the paved road, this conversation took place:
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: I would just floor it, but there might be deer.
Me: Yeah, that wouldn't be good.
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: Yeah, if a deer jumped out in front of us right now, I would probably scream and swerve some more.
Me: *Pause* Are there airbags on this side?
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: I don't know.
Me: *Pause again* Are their airbags on your side?
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: No.
Me: Oh. Well, then there probably aren't any airbags on this side.
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: Yeah, probably not.
Me: We're going to die.
And then he drove down the middle of the road because it was late at night and no one was there anyway and he had always wanted to drive down the middle of the road, so he did.
Then he spotted an orb in the sky.
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: Oh my gosh. There is an orange orb floating in the sky.
Me: That's a star.
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: Oh yeah. *Pause* Did I ever tell you about that orange orb I saw in the sky that one time?
Me: Yeah, and You thought that it was a UFO? I remember that.
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: Yeah.
*Lapse in conversation lasting roughly ten seconds*
Me: Did that orb just blink?
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: Oh my gosh, it just blinked.
Me: It's still blinking!
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: AHHHHHHHHHH! *swerves some more*
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: *Stares intently at road*
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: OH MY GOSH, IT JUST WENT OUT!
Me: It went behind a tree...
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: Oh.
And then the van started to smell like bacon, but I was pretty sure that the bacon smell was coming from the orb, which was actually an alien spaceship, and the aliens were just using the scent of tasty bacon to lure us into their spaceship for testing and other horrible things.
Then we got to the end of that road, and then we turned a corner onto the road that goes into town, and we kind of floored it.
Me: You're going 70!
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: *Makes startled noise, swerves some more while slowing down* I didn't even notice!
Then we were in town, but there was a strange vehicle facing the wrong direction in our lane.
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: Why is that person in my lane?
Me: I don't know...INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS!
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band: *Turns onto side street to avoid alien body snatchers*
However, as soon as we turned to avoid one obstacle, another was in our path, for, behold, a terrifying beast of a vehicle was barreling down upon us!
Seriously, that thing came was coming at us, like, FO REALS. And it came out of NOWHERE.
The King/Archbishop of Marching Band and I: *Extremely loud, high-pitched screaming, accompanied by more swerving*
Then we finally managed to make it to my house without dying, but I had to get my stuff out of the back seat of his van, only the door was locked, so I couldn't get at it, and he couldn't unlock it from the inside, so he got out of the car to unlock it with his keys, only he had left his keys in the ignition, so he had to go back for them. I was slightly more comfortable being out in the open in town because we were in town and not the scary effing country, but I was still convinced that a serial killer had somehow managed to conceal himself in the Japanese Maple tree that is in our front yard, so I wanted to get my stuff and get out as fast as possible.
Finally, I got all my stuff, and the King/Archbishop of Marching Band left to go to his house, and I locked my front door and started blogging, and then Sister A knocked on the front door because she had been at a friend's house for a bonfire and she SCARED THE FRICK OUT OF ME, and I almost had a heart attack.
Except now it's still nighttime, and I don't really know for sure if the King/Archbishop of Marching Band made it home safely, or if he was attacked and killed by bigfoots/zombies/chupacabras/deer/hazardous drivers or anything and I'm a little worried about him. I'm not sure how well I'm going to sleep tonight. Bother.