Me: I really wish I wasn't so stressed. What I need is a school day without much going on where I can stay home sick and not go insane.
High School: Oh, yeah, I can do that. Here: You have practices Monday and Tuesday, a calc test on Wednesday, a world history test on Thursday and an anatomy test on Friday.
Me: Are you completely insane? That's not what I wanted at all.
High School: Sure it is! I know that you said that you don't want to be stressed, and you don't want to go insane, but deep down, I know that that's really a cry for more stress and insanity-inducing schoolwork.
Me: Is this a joke? Am I on Punked? Where's Ashton? Was I not important enough to get Ashton? Or maybe this is Candid Camera come back from the dead, because there is absolutely no way that anyone is so stupid to think that when I say I don't want to lose my marbles, I really mean that I desperately want someone to smack my marbles out of my hands and scatter them to the ends of the Earth.
High School: So I guess that means that that's going to be a "no" on the concessions stand working on Thursday?
Me: I can't even look at you right now.
That is why I have not posted for many many weeks. I know that I have let you all down (because you all definitely sit around on the computer, waiting with bated breath for the moment I next post) but I have good reason. My entire life has been like this ever since school started. Scratch that: my lack of a life has been like this ever since school started. And now I'm going insane. Case in point: last week.
Me: Ah! It's homecoming week! As a member of Student Council, I have duties that I must fulfill, as well as dealing with any problems with the parade and/or dance that may arise as a result of crappy weather/wrath of the cosmos. And, as if that weren't enough, I have to write an essay on a topic I don't understand, which is due on the night of the dance, and I still have to find a dress for the dance! Could my life get any worse?
Life: Yes I can.
Me: Oh, please, don't.
Life: Oh, fo shizzle, I'm about to throw wrenches all up in this heezy. Brb, I'm gonna go get my posse.
Biology: Activate: Hormonal imbalance!
Me: Ah! *Lose 10 Patience*
Nature: FRICK YEAH, ALLERGENS!!
Me: NOOOOO!! *coughcoughhackcoughcoughsneeze*
High School: Who's ready for quizzes and busy work all up in this biscuit?? I AM!!
Me: Please...no...have mercy...
Mom: HAVE YOU PICKED OUT YOUR SENIOR PICTURES YET HAVE YOU STARTED APPLYING TO COLLEGES YET HAVE YOU LOOKED AT SCHOLARSHIPS YET WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A NOBEL PRIZE I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH MORE THAN THIS BLAH BLAH BLAH NAG
Me: *cowers beneath table in an attempt to discourage Mom*
Weather: Oh, I'm looking ominous, aren't I? Whatcha gonna do? WHATCHA GONNA DO? Oh! What if I decide to rain? What then? OH MY GOSH CHECK OUT THIS WIND I JUST COOKED UP, THIS IS LEGIT, SON. Yeah, you're definitely going to have to skip your anatomy class and totally change the whole judging setup. WOOHOO! LOOK AT ME GO!!!
Me: Why is this happening to me?
Homework: Oh my gosh, guess what? I just got married! TO INSOMNIA!!! We're so happy! You're going to be seeing a lot of us, especially this week.
Me: *whimpers pathetically*
Calculus: Wsdlkfjaoisdaga d; vfas;d fva;lkdsjf vaoidfvasdkf v;laksd a;sdlk jfaoiw ccfe;kajs d;fklja ;sldk fca;kjsa;lk jdfva;lksjd f;lkaj ;sdlk f;akj vs;dlkjfac ;lj ds;lfjv as;ldk vfa;lksj dflkjad ﾁﾄｼﾊﾘﾉﾁﾏﾄｼﾊﾘﾉﾏﾁﾄ ﾊﾘﾁﾉ ﾄﾏｼ ﾊﾁﾚﾄﾘﾉｼﾏﾊ ﾋﾁﾚﾘﾉﾄｼﾏﾊ ｺﾋﾁﾉﾏｸﾁﾏﾆﾓｲﾓﾁﾄｸﾆｶｲﾀﾗﾃｲﾆｽﾅﾉﾐﾋﾓﾐﾂﾈｻﾓｿﾊﾉﾁｸｼﾄﾘﾆｽﾅﾁﾃｸﾝﾘﾆﾅｽｸﾋ ﾁﾉﾏﾄｼﾊｸ ﾘﾋﾉﾁﾏﾄｸｼ ﾋﾁﾏﾄｼｸ ﾘﾉﾊﾁﾏ ﾄｸﾋｼﾘﾉ ｸ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Was that even English? Or Japanese, for that matter?
Calculus: a;dljf;oqwie rlkjfnb alsier hiwehr gvajks cfaishjf vawhrelbiuayh eivlkrh,cjkzhslidh calkjiwegh rvailuwhe fjalvks hfdavlks hdfljvkasd; fvja;sld fv;alsjdf voiwe rkljas bdhlfa
Me: I'm going to die. That is all there is to it.
And that is why I hate high school.
**Note: In the above conversation, the portrayal of my Mom is a bit of a dramatization. She doesn't really act like that. Normally.