So, I was sitting in my room the other night, reading some Edgar Allan Poe, as per usual, when my phone goes off.
It was a text.
Now, I was hoping that it was a loopy Vicodin-influenced text from the Stellar Miss Moon, since she had just gotten her wisdom teeth removed that very same day, or a text from the Fearsome Miss Ginger, who promised to show me any drug-influenced texts that the Stellar Miss Moon sent her. But it was neither of those things. Instead, when I opened my phone (because I have a flip phone because I'm a cave person) I saw that the text was from a number that I did not recognize.
So, being the paranoid person that I am, I chose to view the text later, then I went to my messages inbox to see what the first few words of the text were.
When I did this, I discovered that the text was from one of my friends at school, whom we will call "El Pequeño," because he is short.
This is an almost exact recreation of that conversation. (Just a note, if there are any horrible double entendres in here, they're not here on purpose. If I said something that has an inappropriate double meaning, just assume that I meant the innocent meaning, because I am naive and don't know the other meaning.)
El Pequeño: Watcha doing?
Me: Reading Edgar Allan Poe (Because I was. I was reading "The City in the Sea" when this conversation started.)
El Pequeño: Remembr when u wantd 2 make me super fat by lard cookies? (I do, in fact, remember this. It was in seventh grade.)
El Pequeño: I actually want 2 try lard cookies. Do u still want 2 make me fat?
Me: I'm all out of lard.
El Pequeño: Shoot. Now how are we going 2 make me fat?
Me: Compressed air?
El Pequeño: Wud I still hav rolls and jiggle?
Me: Probably not. But you would be fairly balloon-like.
El Pequeño: Well thts no fun. If im gonna be baloon like i wanna b blubbery (At this point, I'm including all this texting lingo and misspellings for accuracy. All of my texts have the words completely spelled out, with almost all of the correct punctuation and capitalization.)
Me: Well, I can't really help you with that unless I get a visit from the fat fairy.
El Pequeño: You know i wudnt mind gaining like 80 lbs cause the only difference iS tht i wud be wider.
Me: Well thats lovely (I left this text as it is, because I want to be honest with you all and show you that, sometimes, even I, one of the biggest sticklers for grammar and punctuation in my schools, do not have proper apostrophe usage in my texts.)
El Pequeño: Wat wud u do if i got 2 b like 250 lbs for real?
Me: I don't know.
El Pequeño: Wud u tease me poke me or call me names?
Me: I wouldn't laugh at you, call you names, or get my pleasure from your pain; 'cause in God's eyes we're all the same... (This is in reference to a really stupid song that one of our teachers made us listen to in fifth grade, or something. Also, there is actually a semicolon in the original text. I just thought you all should know.)
El Pequeño: But in like a friendly way wud u tease me?
Me: I don't know. Maybe.
[This section of conversation removed to protect identities of innocent girls in my class. Basically, El Pequeño asks me which girls in our class I think would get fat in college. The kid has an obsession. Anyway, he asks me who I think would get fat in college, then I mention how we used to call one girl fat because she was really skinny, then he says who he could see getting fat in college, then asks me to pick which girls I think will get fat in college, and then I tell him I'm not going to pick a girl to get fat in college.]
El Pequeño: Yet U want me 2 get fat. how fat do u want me to get?
Me: fat enough to make you happy.
El Pequeño: Ok. So u wudnt care if i got 2 b like 300 and walk on the beach in lime greeN gauchos? (This is a reference to an old joke. When we had inside recess, we would always play with the Legos that one of our teachers had in her room, and there was a pair of lime green gauchos from a Barbie doll. We jokingly called them "El Pequeño's gay pants." We weren't the most politically correct children.)
Me: No I wouln't mind. Much. (The much was there because I was concerned about the prospect of this happening on a public beach and scarring innocent children for life.)
El Pequeño: U r going to b my best friend in college cause im gonna let myself go.
El Pequeño: How do you think is the fastest way 2 get fat?
Me: French fry grease milkshakes and down home southern cooking.
El Pequeño: Wow i can see myself fat already. Ttyl.
Me: Okay. See you later.
I thought that that would be the end of that, but I was sadly mistaken, for the next night, I recieved a text...
El Pequeño: Watcha doing?
Me: Watching Monsters Inc.
El Pequeño: Great movie. Wat cud u c me doing in the future?
Me: Owning a used car lot
El Pequeño: U should make those lard cookies and ill come over
Me: I'm all out of lard.
El Pequeño: what could u use as a sub?
El Pequeño: How much u think ill weigh in college? Guess
Me: However much you want to weigh.
El Pequeño: U wudnt care if i Got obese?
Me: Not as long as you didn't eat yourself to death
El Pequeño: Wat wud ur reaction b if u saw me in 2 years and i was 300 lbs?
Me: I would say hi.
El Pequeño: U wudnt b shockd or anything?
Me: I would probably be a little surprised but I wouldn't go and scream dang dude you done got fat.
El Pequeño: Y only a lil surprised?
Me: because you are constantly talking about getting fat so I guess I'd just figure that it was going to happen eventually.
El Pequeño: Wat kind of body figure u think id have?
El Pequeño: But i mean like wud i hav a double chin a mufin top, man boobs, big butt?
Me: I don't know
El Pequeño: Wat wud u do if i got fat?
Me: I don't know
El Pequeño: Am I the only 1 tht thinks bout this?
El Pequeño: Wat wud u do if you saw me get stuck in a booth at mc Ds? (McDonald's, for those of you who might have as much difficulty figuring that out as I did.)
El Pequeño: U wud really laugh? Wat bout not caring how fat i got?
Me: You have to admit that seeing someone stuck in a booth would be funny. But then I'd probably get someone to help you out
El Pequeño: U should really give me tht fat fairys number
Me: She only comes to the worthy.
El Pequeño: How do I become worthy?
Me: Only the fairy knows and only the fairy decides.
El Pequeño: U think she will choose me?
Me: You can only hope
El Pequeño: Wat does she look like so i can know when shes coming?
Me: She takes many forms.
El Pequeño: How does she appear to most?
Me: She takes the form of whatever will make you the fattest
El Pequeño: I cant wait till tht day!
Then I didn't reply to tha, because I thought it was a good place to end the conversatino at, but ,apparently, I was mistaken.
El Pequeño: WAts so wrong about Being fat anyway? (I have no idea what is going on with his shift button here.)
Me: Nothing. It's (the people who are intolerant of those of greater girth) just the man tring to keep you down.
El Pequeño: It wud be great 2 b fat. All y do is eat and jiggle!
Me: that sounds wonderful
El Pequeño: I know. Being fat is perfectly fine and im gonna get (girl in our class) fat and we will spread the word.
Me: That's nice.
El Pequeño: Oh it is. Ttyl im tired.
Then I turned my phone off last night, because I knoew it was just going to happen again, and I had homework to do. When I turned it back on, I had two unread messages from El Pequeño, both reading "whatcha doing?"
I don't think it will ever stop.
One question plagues me, though.
Who gave him my number?